QUEAZY YAKUZA

Ten years ago you would have never heard Queazy Yakuza on the radio. Hell, you wouldn’t have ever heard them on any of the college stations. They were a program director’s kryptonite. There was nothing remotely commercial or even listenable about their sound. Now, you hear their "music" (if you can call it that) everywhere. Their trademark backwards drum loops, fuzzy basslines and overprocessed, overmodulated feedback sells everything from toothpaste to running shoes. The most moronic use of their music was in a disposable douche ad. First off, I don’t know why douche companies even need to advertise. Secondly, what kind of sick ad-man uses a 14 second snippet from Queazy Yakuza’s 49 minute magnum opus "Cuntsniffer" in said commercial? Are they just being ironic? If so, irony is fucking dead. That just killed it.

Queazy Yakuza, this stupid, little Japanese noise quartet who make the most non-commercial sludge rock in the history of recorded music, is now the biggest-selling act in rock history. And nobody ever really bought any of their music.

You can’t turn your head without seeing some fat slob wearing a QueazyWear hoodie, hat, jersey or shoes. Your average person wears all four as a lazy man’s ensemble. Made from space-age polymers, all QueazyWear somehow gets cleaner as it gets dirtier.

QueazyLofts, the band’s foray into real estate, sell out two years before they’re built. They come with full amenities, are super compact and super expensive. Robotics built into each loft apartment not only cook for you, but tuck you in at night.

QueazyTech oversaw all of the robotic technology. Started when the band members were Grad students in the engineering department of Kyoto University, it was originally the path they chose as a career until they got interested Lou Reed’s album, "Metal Machine Music." That genre of abrasive, ostracizing music took over their lives and engineering took second priority. Now the tables, as they say, have turned. QueazyTech’s robotics were recently bought out by NASA for the purposes of long-range space missions. The band made billions.

QueazyTech’s newest project, the QY7, is a groundbreaking automobile that not only handles well on the road, but  runs on music. Fuck hybrids or solar power. The 30 disc changer in the chassis fuels the engine. As long as there’s music playing, whether it’s downloaded or on disc, your car drives like a dream. No more oil changes, no more gas station stops, no more costly repair bills. But here’s the kicker. It only runs on Queazy Yakuza’s music. Put in your favorite Glenn Frey or Happy Mondays CD and you ain’t getting nowhere fast or slow.

QueazyFinancial predicts the collapse of all the major car companies in three years.

Apart from the endorsements, the real estate and the space-age success, Queazy Yakuza only ever wanted people to buy their music.  And now music, the reason they left Grad school is, in a roundabout way, finally paying off.




-SLL