the soft shoe (252)

I yelled until it felt like there was blood trickling down my throat-until i couldn't make another sound. after that, i cried. I wept until it hurt to breath, until my eyes burned and i collapsed onto the floor, in sort of a wheezing dry heaving. I was exhausted both physically and mentally. something was dripping from every hole in my head at this point, and i took out my gun and started to bite down on the barrel.
what had started as heartbreak had turned into regret and resentment. it always does, and it's amazing how quickly it happens. then only thing keeping me from eating a clip full of cop-killers was my fear of hell and the fact that i didn't want to think of my mother at my funeral. no parent should outlive their child.
eventually I'll look back on this episode and feel horrible about the spectacle that I'd become for someone that surely didn't deserve the energy. one day I'll realize that it was meant for me to walk this path alone. one day, if I'm lucky, I'll get to dance on her grave.
the soft shoe.
but tonight, i had a case to solve. people were going t take beatings they only partly deserved, and it was likely that someone would be shot. someone cold die. if i thought about it, along the way, I'd make sure to tell them that it wasn't personal.
it was all because of her...
and she'd never know.