TRANSCRIPTS FROM MT. BILTHWAITE SCHOOL FOR GIRLS INTERVIEW

Clearly our screening process isn’t perfect. This is simply something we have to work on and get past. Hiring a former pornographer was obviously not what we intended to do when we were accepting applications for Mt. Bilthwaite. Our film department had an opening and Mister Dongbone was one of a dozen candidates we considered.

Wasn’t it obvious that "Dongbone" was not his real name?

Not at the time, no.

Didn’t you check his references or look into his employment history?

First of all, his references were impeccable. As far as employment history, he was from Hollywood. We really didn’t see that as a drawback. I mean, name me one bad thing that’s come out of Hollywood lately.

I can think of a few. Dane Cook, the Fantastic Four movies, the de-rapification of Ice Cube . .

Okay, now you’re just grasping at straws.

 . . Soul Plane, A Dumb and Dumber pre-quel, pretty much any movie based on a 70’s TV show . .

Fine! Duly noted.

Did you even bother to look up Mister Dongbone on the Internet?

Slow down! I defy you to look up anyone on the Internet and not find reams of negative sites devoted to them.

Actually, I’m one step ahead of you. We looked up two individuals yesterday. One being your Mister Dongbone and the other being Bishop Desmond Tutu. Here’s what we found. Now, you see this half of a page? This is the only site we found that had anything remotely negative about Bishop Tutu. Could you read the highlighted area for me?

Alright. "Tutu rhymes with doo-doo." Uh-huh. See, now you’re just proving my point.

Now, here’s Mister Dongbone’s stack of Internet links.

Seems like a lot.

This stack is the information we printed off from just the first page of Google when we looked up his name.

Okay.

Roughly 700 websites altogether.

Uh-huh.

Would you read a few of his credits for me? His resume’s there at the top.

"From the Earth to the Poon," "Apollo Fuckteen," "Anal Recall," "The Adventures of Pluto Nash" . . .

Yeah, he had a thing for making space movies.

Oh, God! Here! Take this away!

So, now you understand why people are so up in arms about this?  Hiring a pornographer to teach at an all-girls school? 

Yes, yes! It was a horrible mistake. I realize that now. Ugh! "Pluto Nash!" I feel so filthy.




-SLL