(185)

ARIES
Alright, Aries, man up.
We have a lot of work to do in light of the recent controversial beef recall. This is just what the so called vegans have been waiting for- further proof that food is mistreated. And while the debate rages on over when food becomes food- at birth, when killed, when cooked and seasoned to perfection with Lowery’s seasoning salt and a dash of onion powder, etcetera- one thing is for sure… someone has to pay! Heads will roll over this, and eventually, those heads will be boiled until the delicacy known as head cheese is prepared.

TAURUS
Taurus, as you know, your greatest joy and greatest shame in life comes from your need to watch people undress while hiding in hedges, bushes, and cheap plastic topiary. Not many people know about your secret, and the few you have confided in have shunned you. You have tried to break yourself from this invigorating yet disgusting habit, but nothing has worked so far. Take this week and think about ways you could better use your free time. Then, when this doesn’t work, continue to Peep It Real!

GEMINI
People are constantly underestimating your complete willingness to explode their heads using only the power of your mind and an unlimited blackness that consumes your every thought. Perhaps a small demonstration is in order…

CANCER
That tape your ex-boyfriend made of you is online. It has been sent from site to site so many times that the only way it could be traced to you was If someone you knew saw it and recognized you. The chances of that seem fairly slim, seeing as you were much younger and you were in a whole different state when it all happened. And yet, guess what I just saw online?


LEO
Leo, you’re familiar with the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. You have lived your life by this rule, and it’s gotten you nothing but trouble. Since the mob found you and your family in witness relocation and murdered them all before nearly killing you, perhaps it’s time you did unto them with extreme prejudice! Sunglasses provided by Rayban.

VIRGO
Your record collection is chock full of lily Allen, Amy Winehouse and their ilk. You say you like their soulful sound- that it reminds you of Motown. Here is a tip: Buy some #$&*% Motown! Motown sounds exactly like Motown, because it IS Motown! Poseur.

LIBRA
Libra rhymes with Zebra. How about that? Are you a zebra? Huh? You live in Africa and run from lions? Are you black with white stripes or white with black stripes? Huh? Answer me, Zebra! Libra Zebra. That’s your name. That’s your new name. I’m just kidding, look, I’m not your dad but you have to do what I say so go to bed. Your mom and I need to… talk.

SCORPIO
You pride yourself in the fact that you are surrounded by many friends and loved ones. In fact, some people envy you this. But as you sit in your fancy house with your kind of hot wife, there is something you should do: Keep an eye on the people that claim to love you. They’ve been hiding a terrible secret from you: you suck… hard. So hard.

SAGITTARIUS
The stars are telling me very good things about you, Sagittarius- you’re a good person, you care about those around you, and you give of yourself openly. It’s time that you did something for yourself. Take a day and make some art. If you’ve always wanted to be a painter, paint something. Write that poem that you hear in your head. Today is the day that you do something special. Just don’t let anyone see your sissified painting, Vagittarius!

CAPRICORN
You love your man. You’ve been together so long that it doesn’t seem like you were ever apart. Yet, sometimes your mind drifts to the caramel-brown coffee making man at your favorite coffee shop. Sure, he’s a bit heavy set and sometimes you don’t exactly get his sense of humor, but there is something about his sexy crooked smile and deep dark eyes that makes you want to do the devils business with him atop queen-sized bed covered in rose petals and single serving butter packets.
All signs point to yes, you nasty thang, you. Drop it like its hot- and covered in butter!

AQUARIUS
Hey, Aquarius. You like aquariums? I though you would, since you’re an Aquarius. I thought I told you and Libra Zebra to go to bed? Now I’m going to have to spank you, and in a completely different way than I spank your mom. If only you had a magic Radio Flyer™ to take you away from all of this. you could fly away from me and my drunken rage. But you don’t have a magic wagon, do you? You don’t and you never will. Never.

PISCES
The charts have been checked and rechecked to make sure that the prediction that this months star alignment have shown was true. After much soul searching and a much meditation I have concluded that you, Pisces, suck worst than Sagitarius!