Friday, March 21, 2008

Ever too much jism?: The sex tape files (153)

as far as celebrity sex tapes go, they are always fairly tame. sure, the Go-Go's forced a roadie to take a dildo in the ass and Paris Hilton actually took a load to her nearly nonexistent tits, but the public was getting tired of the strikingly vanilla sex tapes it's celebrities were trying to pass off as "stolen" and "unauthorized".
America needed a sex tape that shook things up. they needed to see people they knew doing things they'd never heard nor dreamed of.
I was hired by the syndicate to "find" the dirtiest, raunchiest celebrity sex tape i could. it had to be so dirty that stink lines could be seen emitting from the case the tape was in. it had to at least end the person or persons involved careers at at most, cause suicide to someone involved.
I'd tracked down tapes before, and I'd run down ghosts as well- three years ago there was a rumor of a tape involving Frankie Muniez and Tracey Ullman in a secret backroom hot Dogging incident. it turned out that it was only Pamela Anderson and David Faustino. Pamela was no longer famous enough to warrant the release of the tape, and grandmaster b was too anxious to receive a payday so he ruined the deal.
some one hipped me to a clip where Wayne newton can actually be seen executing the ever elusive Spider-man on a withered and obviously pissed off Dakota fanning, but this turned out to be wrong as well as it seems all female midgets look like fanning.
Would i be able to find or even coerce the ultimate sex tape into the nets?
who knows- I've been waiting outside of Mandy Moore's house now for two days. eventually, she's going to fuck a llama- whether she knows it or not...

1 Comments:

Blogger SamL. said...

How are we in that "same page" zone in no matter what we do? See my Saturday's H to figure out the connection between JFK and the de-rapification of Ice Cube. It's uncanny how our brains are linked.

March 22, 2008 at 3:14 PM  

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