SUMMER OPENINGS

Funnel Javelin Park opens tomorrow, Dad!  Can we go?  Please??  Please, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeease!!  They’ve got the biggest mudslide in the world!  The Muckraker!  It drops 40 feet straight down with mud and debris and dead bodies, just like a real mudslide!  There’s a roller coaster there called Killtaker Acres that actually stops your heart for 10 seconds!  It’s got, like, 50 corkscrew turns in a row!  No, it’s safe!

And there’s an adult-themed park there, too. For you and mom.  Yeah, they have dirty movies and you can go to their Valley of the Blow-Up Dolls ride!  Good, I’ll start the car.

-SLL