RAINBOW WARRIOR

      "He shoots rainbows."
     "What? He shoots what?"
     "He shoots rainbows! Yeah!"
     The board of Baikoo Games sits in their comfortable boardroom chairs, staring at pitchman Paul Von Bondy as if he’s insane. This is the guy who came up with a string of ultra-violent games for them such as the mega-selling Blood Platoon, the brainless, but equally popular Gore House Massacre and the billion-seller, Bile Houndz I, II and III, which was an all-out zombie/hip-hop bloodbath trilogy that was banned in seven states.
     "Listen, Paul," replies Baikoo’s president, "we love you. You know that, right? Don’t we love this guy, fellas’?
     The boardroom lets out an enthusiastic round of positive responses.
     "But I’ve got to stop you there. You’ve got a first-person shooter where the player is this guy whose only defense against these creatures, these . . . what are they called again?"
     "The Pillowheads."
     "Whose only defense against these Pillowheads is his ability to shoot rainbows at them."
     "Oh, Rainbow Warrior has other powers."
     "Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. Continue."
     "At the end of each level, he gains new powers. Like ‘Lulling’ . ."
     "Whoa, sorry. ‘Lulling?’"
     "Yeah. The ability to lull the Pillowheads to sleep."
     "Uh-huh. What else you got?"
     "Ummmmmm, ‘Moongazing!’ That’s where you can trick them into looking up while you sneak away. ‘Shipbuilding.’ Oh, this is a great power! You turn the Pillowheads into these sailors with these cute little sailor suits and hats, and they drop whatever they’re doing and start building a ship for you. Let’s see. ‘Mollycoddling,’ which gives you the power of hugs . . ."
     "Alright. Stop, stop, stop! I have to say, I'm a little speechless here, Paul. ‘Moongazing?’ Pillowheads? Hugging? I mean, I’m Japanese. Our culture is seriously fucked-up and even I can’t wrap my head around this! Is there any point in this game where you actually kill anybody?"
     "Well, with you ‘Calisthenics’ power, you make the Pillowheads pass out from all the exercise."
     "Does it kill them, Paul? That’s what I’m asking."
     "Not really. But, when they wake up, they’ve lost a little weight."
     "Can we put X’s on their eyes at least?"
     "See, I don’t know."
     The Baikoo boardroom buzzes with chatter. Paul hears a lot of "no’s" through the dull roar. At one point, three executives walk out in a huff, cursing loudly in Japanese.
     "Um, I’ve got this other thing I’ve been kicking around," Paul says in a half-assed way." Post-apocalyptic ultimate fighting game with punk rock chics. Working title is ‘Punk Apocalypto.’"
     "Any rainbows?" the Baikoo president asks.
     "No, but the finishing move rips the other girls clothes off."
     The president smiles. "Greenlight that thing! Do we love this guy, fellas’ or what?"
     A round of applause fills the room as the Japanese men get up to shake Paul’s hand and roughly hug him. Paul half-smiles, politely taking their kudos, all the while wishing he'd never moved to Japan.




-SLL