The U of E

The Universe of Evil was not quite as evil as I remember it.

Okay, parallel universes, right? Apparently, there are infinitesimal worlds existing in time and space, out there somewhere, and you can travel to them on some special wavelength, blahda, blahda, blah. Anyway, each world, each parallel universe, is slightly different from ours in sometimes simple, sometimes complex ways. There’s Universe Seven, where everybody you or I know is a caveman or whatever. There’s Universe B-19, where Coke was never invented and Pepsi reigns supreme. There’s the all-cow universe, the everybody’s-a-woman universe, the everything’s-extra-small universe. Then, somewhere out there, there’s the Universe of Evil. You know where I’m going with this. Why do you think I called it the Universe of Evil and not Universe 42 or something (which, by the way, is the 1980’s-never-happened universe. Yes. They skipped from 1979 to 1990. We never got Kajagoogoo or Reaganomics. Big loss, long story.)

Well, I just got back from the U of E and I’m not feeling it. Sure, everybody who’s good in our universe is evil in theirs, but who cares? It’s not like they’re so evil that it really matters. The evil jack-offs aren’t pushing people in front of buses or shooting people with cool rayguns. They’re just bigger dicks than their good selves ever were on a particularly bad day here. They’re consistently cranky. That’s pretty much it. Oh, and they have long mustaches or goatees. That’s how you know they’re "evil." See what I did there? The quotation marks mean they’re not actually evil. Even the women have facial hair. No shit. It should be called the Universe of Unnecessary Facial Hair. That would be a more appropriate name. And they always twirl their mustaches when they do something evil. That or stroke their goatees.

This total dick tripped me while I was there. I’m crossing the street and this guy trips me as I’m crossing and says, "Have a nice trip," then twirls his mustache. That’s not evil, that’s just fucking annoying. I wasn’t held hostage or thrown out of a speeding car, I was tripped on the sidewalk. Assholes.

Say what you will about what we got here, at least there’s variety.

You know? Fuck it. I’m just going to drown my sorrows in the Busty Redhead Universe. Their mustaches aren’t nearly as long.




-SLL