ETUX, ETVIR

The last of the B-Rad Boyz died today.

Most of the world will remember Cris Puffs as the fervent crusader for battered celebrity children, but half a century ago he was "the snarky one, C.P., in the worldwide phenomenon known as the B-Rad Boyz.

Originally conceived as the first noise rock, boy band by Queazy Yakuza fontman Nowon, the B-Rads came together after months of auditions that included not only singing, dancing and musical instrument knowledge, but also standardized tests in quantum physics and philosophy.

Puffs got the highest scores of the four B-Rads and got the biggest audience response on the QTV show, "This Is Pop." Along with Vance Besser, Oliver Grecko and Darren Furley, Puffs became a multi-millionaire almost overnight. As opposed to most musical fads, the B-Rads had a long-lived and vaired career. Nowon worked tirelessly as both manager and producer, insuring that the B-Rad Boyz albums evolved as their audiences grew older and, in turn, guaranteed future record sales. Over their 28 year career, the B-Rads jumped from white-styled R&B to rap to nu-metal to folk to Broadway showtunes, every album bigger than the previous one. The "shifting sound," as Nowon once put it, was paying off big.

The solo albums were hit or miss, however. Feeling pressure from Nowon to put his two cents in, the Boyz strayed from him and felt the economic crunch. While Besser, Grecko and Furley’s albums faired well, Puffs struggled as his Plutonian religion phase kicked in. The recent contact with life on Pluto had inspired many to jump onto its strange theology and Puffs was at the forefront. Anti-Plutonian feelings across the globe affected his sales retroactively from his debut, "The Return of Schlomo" to his Plutonian language concept album, "Etux, Etvir." By the time his final solo album, "So Sorry," came out on his public rejection of all things Plutonian, audiences had already had enough. Though he continued to tour and put out albums with the B-Rads over the years, his ego never got over his failed solo efforts.

The B-Rad Boyz final album, "This Ain’t the Last," an album of Queazy Yakuza covers, was their least commercial to date. The Boyz wallowed in money, yet by the time of its release, most of their audiences had died of old age. It had been a good run, all told.

After the final B-Rad tour, Puffs lived in seclusion for more than a decade. While the other B-Rads enjoyed celebrity golf tournaments, tell-all book sales and foot cream endorsement deals, Puffs rarely left his palatial Utah mansion. To this day, the rumors of those lost years fill the bookshelves and litter the impulse-buying sections of supermarkets from coast to coast.

In his final years, Puffs felt the need to give something back and put $7 million into starting the Etvir House, his renowned halfway house for boy band members facing abuse. Boy bands like the Poppies, Under7 and the Mathletes came out of retirement to help the cause, many of them victims of abuse themselves during their heyday.

Puffs received the Nobel Peace Prize last year, one of two B-Rads to have such an honor bestowed upon them.

But today, one week after his autobiography "My Name Is Really Schlomo" came out, Puffs was found dead in his Malibu beachhouse, surrounded by hand-written, deleted excerpts from "My Name."

Although there is no official cause of death released as of this writing, an inordinate amount of sleeping pills were found on his nightstand. No suicide note found, just a slip of paper crumpled in his hand, torn from the Plutonian bible that read "Etux, Etvir." It means, "Everywhere, Truth."




-SLL