LANGEWEILE

Subdued blue lights come up on a gun-gray stage. House lights on a depressed audience go out.

A low, crackling, buzzing tone from an old Moog keyboard backstage floods the speakers. If is followed by a high, piercing tone an octave up. Another note half a step down comes in, causing the audience to wince.

Our host appears onstage via a hydraulic tarp door that raises him up from below stage. He wears a dark gray, military-style suit that contrasts with the already dank set. He holds a tall, slim microphone in his hand, speaking as he gets to stage level. He speaks in a gravelly German accent.

"How is everyone tonight?"

There is no response from the audience.

"Welcome to Langeweile! The show where we pit family against family for fun and fabulous prizes. As you know, our previous champions, the Kirkagaards, won a trip to the spacious Guftalands to live out the rest of their days. Tonight, however, we have the returning champions, the Holtzchks . . ."

The left, back wall of the set opens, revealing the Holtzchks, a man, a woman and a child dressed in bland, earth-tone clothing. Mrs. Holtzchk stands at the sink, motionlessly staring out a window. Mr. Holtzchk sits motionlessly on the couch while the child sits on the floor in front of black building blocks.

"And our newest challengers, the Dauschenreigs!"

The right, back wall opens, revealing the Dauschenreigs, a less depressive family. All four – mom, dad and two boys – sit on their couch, smiling and looking out at the audience for approval.

"We’ll be back in three years to see how they do. Until then, I’m Rip Helden saying, 'Auf Wiedersehen!'"

The blue stage lights fade and Rip’s hydraulic door takes him below again. House lights go up. The audience stares blankly at both families, whose lights stay up in their prospective rooms. The Holtzchks do not move. The Dauschenreigs begin to get up and go on with their lives with the cramped space they are given.

Three years pass.

Blue lights up. Rip Helden is raised onto the stage floor. The back wall has been closed for some time.

"Well, let’s see how they’ve done."

Both back walls open. The Dauschenreigs appear docile and tired. Mrs. Holtzchk sits on her couch with her child. The legs of Mr. Holtzchk can be seen behind the left side of the couch. A long trail of dried blood stretches out of the right side.

"Looks like the Dauschenreigs already have a strong lead."

Mrs. Holtzchk springs up and begins beating on the glass that separates her from Rip. A stream of German obscenities can be heard coming from her mouth, muffled by the glass, but still audible. Her eyes are red from crying.

Rip turns to her and gives her a "thumbs down" gesture. White, pulsing light hits her in quick bursts. She convulses and then hits the ground like a rock. Her body steams. The child doesn’t get up from the couch. He sits, holding back tears.

Blue stage lights fade, Rip’s hydraulic door takes him below and house lights come up.

The Holtzchk child never cries. He gnashes his teeth inside his mouth to keep the tears in. He will beat this game, he thinks to himself. He will bury the Dauschenreigs.




-SLL