THE GENIUS OF MILDRIDGE

     A fat CEO, Franklin Deerdorfe, makes his way into the boardroom, where ten similarly fat met in suits sit, then stand as he enters as he takes his seat at the head of a long oak table. He immediately speaks with a harsh tone as he sits.

     "Piss stains! That’s the next big thing in clothing. Was just in Europe last weekend and the Europeans are covered in it, and looking about as dapper as shit! Think about it. Used to be you’d need everything clean and pressed. No stains, no holes. Pretty soon you got $200 jeans that come with pre-made holes in them. New! New jeans with holes in them! Next, you got the pre-wrinkled shirts! Pre-! Well, piss stains are where I’m taking this company. Everything we manufacture from now on? Piss stains!"

     A well-suited exec in the back of the room chimes in.

     "Sir? You’re saying all of our jeans line is going to have actual urine on them?"

     "Goddammit! Somebody kick that guy! Yes!! What did I just say? Piss stains are the wave of the future, people!?

     Another exec pipes in.

     "I don’t know, sir. Won’t the jeans smell like urine?"

     "Okay, when you’re done kicking the first guy, kick that guy. Hard! We won’t use real urine, you Goddamned Yaley! We’ll use some kind of yellow dye! I don’t know, but it won’t be actual urine, you ignoramus!"

      A third exec steps up.

     "Sir, no disrespect, but urine stains aren’t yellow. It’ll just look wet. Is that the effect you’re going for?"

     "First off, thanks, genius. Secondly, you would know. And third, you’re next in line for an ass-kicking. Now, let’s see if you Ivy League eggheads can follow this! Our entire spring line will be soaked in urine-colored dye!! End of discussion!!"

     The third exec still stands and fires back.

     "So, it’s not just the jeans you’re talking about, but our button-downs and blouses, too?"

     "Yes, by ‘everything’ I meant men’s, women’s, children’s, the whole kit and kaboodle. Now, sit down and wait for your ass-kicking turn."

     Finally, after a few seconds of silence, a fourth exec stands.

     "I’m sorry. I have a problem with this on a couple of levels. As far as urine stains on the button-downs and blouses, that just makes no sense. I mean, if you piss your pants, that’s one thing, but to piss your shirt? That’s next to impossible unless you’re lying down and even then, I have to ask, who in their right minds would try to urinate while in the reclining position? And the woman’s blouse line? That goes far beyond the realm of believability. Now, the children’s line gets into another area altogether. Wouldn’t a concerned parent want to know when his or her child wet himself? And if there’s already urine stains on their pants, wouldn’t that give them free reign to piss themselves whenever they wanted? I’m sorry, but no! No!! I’m not buying this at all!"

     The fourth exec sits. All is quiet as all the other execs in the room look down the table at Deerdorfe, waiting for some kind of response. His face is contorted into something they have never seen before. Is it a grin? He stands and begins to applaud in the general direction of the fourth exec.

     "Gentlemen, that man is the smartest man in this room. Apart from me, of course. What’s your name, son?"

     "Um, Mildridge, sir."

     "Mildridge, you’re officially the new V.P. of Deerdorfe Industries. The old V.P. can take a powder as far as I’m concerned."

     "But, sir, I’m already the V.P."

     "Good thinking, Mildridge. Way to stay ahead of the pack. Alright, scrap the whole urine thing. I was just talking out of my ass anyway. From here on in, thanks to Mildridge’s input, it’s shit stains all the way. Good job, Mildridge. Get to work on that. Form a brain trust, get a committee together, rape, pillage this idea until it’s brown gold, you got me? I want flow charts, pie graphs, bar graphs and whatever other graphs you can think of on my desk tomorrow morning at the latest. We’re going to make it big with Mildridge’s new shit stain idea. Deerdorfe Industries is going to make it back up to the top, by God!"

     Everyone in the room is stunned.

     "Alright, people, let’s get to work on this thing!"

     With that, everyone files out, Deerdorfe being the first to leave. Mildridge goes back to his office and throws himself out his office window.

     As Deerdorfe is leaving that morning, he sees Mildridge lying dead on the sidewalk. The first thing that he notices is the piss and shit stains on Mildridge’s pants.

     "A forward-thinker to the end," Deerdorfe thinks to himself.

     The following spring, Deerdorfe Industries unveils the Pee/Poo line, complete with urine and shit stains on everything from jeans to toddler apparel. Year-end profits show the company operating in the black for the first time in a decade.




-SLL