THE BRITISH "SLOPPY SALAD" TRANSCRIPTS

"So, can you tell the court what your song, ‘Sloppy Salad’ is about?"

"Well, it’s about a salad that’s, um . . . been poorly prepared, man. That’s all."

"Would you mind if I read some of the (clears throat) lyrics to the jury?"

"Be my guest."

(clears throat again) "’Oh, my sloppy salad. Take my croutons into your mouth. Lettuce, baby, lettuce. Thousand Island dripping down your chin.’"

"Uh-huh. Kind of square when you read it like that."

"I take it you find nothing offensive in those lyrics."

"It’s about salad, man. Salad is salad, you know?"

"This song is not about salad, Mr. Nowon, no matter how innocently you defend it."

"Okay, what’s this song about then?"

"I’ll ask the questions and you’ll answer them, understand?"

"Fine."

"Well? What’s the song about, really?"

"There’s this guy, okay? And he’s sitting in a dingy, little diner and he orders a salad and when he gets it, it’s an absolute disaster. The lettuce is all wilted and brown, the tomatoes are squishy, just a mess."

(reading from lyrics) "’Take my croutons in your mouth?’"

"It’s based on an actual experience I had outside of Topeka, Kansas on the last tour. The Hornrim Diner. Go there, you’ll see! See if you don’t get one of the worst salad experiences in your life."

"Mr. Nowon, please."
 
"Alright, so I embellished. I’m a songwriter. That’s what I do! I embellish! There was a waitress there. Thrilly Milly we called her."

"You and your bandmates."

"Specifically my xylophone player and I. He had a thing for her and had told her we were playing in town, invited her back to the hotel and supposedly got lucky."

"So, this song is about her giving him oral sex with Thousand Island dressing."

"I never said that."

"The lyrics suggest that."

"I never said that."

"The lyrics that mention a Thousand Island blow-job."

"Is that one of my lyrics?"

"Yes."

"I never said the words, 'Thousand Island blow-job.'"

"I’m holding transcripts from your lyrics you sang onstage at the Underbush Polytechnic on the night of nine August."

"You ask me, somebody should be raked over the coals for naming that place Underbush."

"Mr. Nowon, I’d appreciate it if you’d refrain from levity at a time like this."

"Levity is the only way I can stay sane in this fucking country!"

"Mr. Nowon!!"

"You limeys are so stuck up your own asses, I swear to God! You book my band in your shitty little school, then kick my ass around for singing lyrics to a song that you knew I would sing!"

"Mr. Nowon! Order, please!"

"I’m not going to be held accountable for that!! You knew ‘Sloppy Salad’ was on the set list! It’s like you wanted me to get caught!"

"Yes, Mr. Nowon. We wanted you to stink up the poly with such degenerate smut."

"Smut?!!??"

"Yes, smut. Just like you’ve befouled this courtroom. No further questions, your honor."

"Judge, c’mon!! This is bullshit!!"

"Mr. Nowon, this is a court of law and I expect you to respect it as such. Court will recess for a period of no more than 20 minutes."

"Fucking limeys."




-SLL