I did as she asked (231)

it goes without saying that once you reach a certain point in your life, any women that you choose to associate with will come with a certain amount of baggage.
the trick is knowing how much of it to over look, and knowing what should send you packing.
some of us find the worst stuff to be the sexiest.
I'm sick, i won't deny it.
I'm turned on by all of her slutty eccentricity.
her nerdiness is what drew me to her and her willingness to do anything sexually is what's keeping me.
i probably won't marry this girl, because as shitty as it sounds, i don't want a wife that needs dick as much as this girl does.
it's just a matter of time until she starts looking for it from someone other than me. but I'm falling in love with her too, so it has all become quite difficult. life is difficult.
and though these problems don't equal a hill of shit in the grand scheme, I'm having a hard time right now.
i know that dating a girl that wants to blow me and put the pictures online isn't normal. i know that more than likely there is something deeper at work that i should ask about, but i probably don't want to know.
this is probably a shitty segue, but the other night she started to tell me about the tattoo on her lower back.
on the small of my pale girls back is a tattoo of three pandas. the are done up in full color and are frolicking amongst a rainbow like band that's wrapping around them all. two are facing the right, one the left. and i hadn't really noticed this until she mentioned it, but the two right facing pandas are wearing subtle yet noticeable angry expressions. my girl explained that when she was younger, a senior in high school, she had been gang raped by three men while on her way to graduation rehearsal. she said that each one of the boys took a turn raping her while the other two held her, and when they were done, they left her there and ran away. she was strong, she didn't cry; she collected herself and went into the school and found help. eventually the three men were found and arrested. she had even gotten the courage to go to the prison and confront one of the rapists. she was told exactly what she expected to hear; they were drunk, high, and had decided to find some woman and rape her.
my girl went on to explain that she'd gotten the tattoo to commemorate the act. she explained that while the act was taking place, it was obvious that one of the rapists was just going along out of fear- that he was egged on by the other two and definitely wouldn't have done it if not for them. she said that they jeered at him to do it or he was a faggot. so, in deciding whether to be a rapist or be called a faggot, he made his choice. this rapist is represented on the small of my girls back as the left facing, sad panda.
now, of course, when you hear a story like this- especially from someone you love- your heart breaks. you start to figure out how you can help, yet realizing that it doesn't concern you. it's all in the past. you can't do anything. as a girl, not this girl, once explained to me- "sometimes women don't want you to try and help or rescue them. sometimes they just want you to listen."
so, the best way she found to live through this horrible time in her life was to place a tattoo symbolizing the event on her back. i can only imagine how hard it must be to try and continue life in polite society after such a violation, so i didn't question it. i just listened and tried to understand.
In time, i thought i could understand the symbolic tattoo.
unfortunately this came right before one night of passionate love making that ended in my girl commanding me to "Cum on her pandas."