THE ARMY OF EVIL MIXER

Well, we’re certainly seeing the dregs of humanity tonight, huh?

 

What do you mean?  You think it’s not going well?

 

I think this turn-out is for shit.  That’s what I think.

 

We’ve got, like, over 35 people here!  How is that a bad thing?

 

Quantity does not equal quality, Bob.  That’s a credo I stick by.  If that were true, The Polyphonic Spree would be brilliant.  But, you know what?  They ain’t.

 

With these kind of numbers we could actually stand a chance against The Freedom Committee for once.

 

Look, I’m not even about to consider that Midwest branch of the Army of Evil, okay?  So, that’s what?  15 out of the running right there.

 

Jesus!  You aren’t going to get anywhere with that kind of negativity!

 

I’m a supervillain, Bob.  I’m supposed to be negative!  That’s my contribution!  And it’s not negative, it’s realistic.

 

You can’t count them out like that!

 

The fuck I can’t!

 

You’re telling me we can’t find a spot for someone like Combine?  That guy’s a mountain!  And he’d got those . .  those . .

 

Combines.  The word you’re looking for is combines.  Yes, I see it.  I really do.

 

But he’s got them all over him.  He could mow down most of these do-goody crimefighters with one swing.  Even Red Razor.

 

Don’t tell me what he could do to Red Razor, alright?  Me and Red Razor are archenemies.  Trust me, he’d put Combine out to the pasture he left in Iowa.

 

You’ve just got to give some of these Agricult guys a chance!

 

What?  Say what?

 

They’re called The Agricult. 

 

Oh.  God!

Ditch Witch is a serious contender, I’m telling you!

 

Sure, sure.  Ditch Witch, right.  But who else is in that cult thing?

 

Um, Boll Weevil.

 

Uh-huh.  And he can do what, exactly?

 

He, uh . . . destroys crops.

 

Specifically . . .

 

Cotton mostly.

 

Criminy.

 

But he’s got heart, which is what you’re lacking in spades these days. 

 

Fine.  Tell you what.  Sign all of these yobbos up!  The fuck do I care?  Just tell them to fill out the forms completely.  There’s no callbacks for this one.  They have to be available no matter what.  On-call, you understand?

 

Yes.  Yes!!  You will not be disappointed!

 

And, wait!  Tax forms!  Tell them to fill out the 1020’s in full! 

 

Right!

 

Jesus.  Why did I leave the law firm?




-SLL