LUMBERTON RULEZ

Vandals broke into Coolidge High last night. Literally. Vandals. Coolidge High’s arch rivals in football, the Lumberton Vandals, were stupid enough to spray paint things like "Lumberton Rulez" or "Vandals #1" on just about any available surface. We’re thinking they weren’t smart enough to have one guy tag the walls so that it couldn’t actually be traced back to that particular school.

Worse part was that they didn’t just write graffiti on walls. They did a serious number on Coolidge. What they did took hours to accomplish. Things that will take millions of dollars to repair or refurbish. Things we didn’t think high school kids were capable of.

From the trial of destruction, it looks like they hit the band room first. They must’ve hated the tuba section. All of the fiberglass tubas were either broken with hammers or dropped from the top of the building. Sheet music was strewn everywhere and no instrument was spared. If it wasn’t beaten severely, it was stolen. Woodwinds were broken over someone’s knee, drum heads were punctured with drumsticks.

The gymnasium floor was covered in five inches of water. 70 of the science lab’s frogs along with the contents of Principal Gravlee’s aquarium were emptied into it. By the time our janitor got in there the next morning, it was its own habitat.

The teachers’ lounge was coated with guys and entrails. Every available countertop was doused with blood. We don’t even want to know where you can purchase such things. The guts look human, though one of the biology teachers claims it’s clearly from the bovine family.

Hallways and lockers were decimated beyond description. I’ll say this. There was a great amount of feces involved. We did need the biology teacher’s take on it to realize it was definitely human. Someone had used they hands to create a Basquiat-inspired mural on the lobby’s portrait of President Coolidge.

Speaking of which, we have no idea where the Coolidge statue out front is, nor how they were able to remove it.

They scratched a "V" on the backs of every single seat in the auditorium. That’s 1500 seats with the same knife they used to shred the stage’s curtains. Theatre lights were sent crashing onto the stage and the sound/light board in the booth has yet to be found. Considered stolen.

The state of the classrooms are too numerous to mention, but here’s a few. Computer labs emptied. Choir rehearsal room, a shambles. Photo lab, shattered to bits. Shop class was sawed apart using its own tools. Football field, donuts upon donuts, courtesy of several 4x4s.

Our only thoughts beyond rebuilding are how bad we’re going to fuck Lumberton up in the semi-finals.




-SLL