DUKE TO THE BUSH

DAY 1 (6/6)
This is it. I’m doing it. Nothing will hold me back at this point in my life. No questions, no excuses, no fucking cooze harping at me. Old-style killing spree. This weekend. It’s on.

Belinda left me yesterday and now I’ve got nothing to lose. I’ve spent my whole day at work thinking about it. Not her, "it."

Plan on hitting Two Pines Summer Camp, doing it there.

Need to go by Hardcore Hardware tonight and pick up a few things. I’m thinking maybe some coveralls.

DAY 2 (6/7)
Credit card got declined at Hardcore Hardware last night. Don’t have much in the way of funds in my checking account. After I brought what I need for this weekend up to the check-out, I realized it was going to be pricey. Kind of a setback. Get paid tomorrow. I’ll pick up stuff then.

DAY 3 (6/8)
It’s payday and it looks like I won’t make rent if I buy the stuff. Will wait ‘til next payday.

DAY 4 (6/9)
Spend the day going through closets for something really evil looking. Something black, but not too black. Found old combat boots from my punk phase. Too black? Seriously need to throw out those Hawaiian shirts. Maybe use the dark blue on instead of coveralls? No, that’s not very scary. Don’t want them to think that Jimmy Buffet’s chasing them.

DAY 5 (6/10)
Watched "Friday the 13^th" marathon on cable. God, this guy had some really great ideas. I take copious notes. Well, anything he does after part 3 is just ridiculous, though I like the one where he’s in space. He just lost his focus somewhere along the way.

DAY 6 (6/11)
Call credit card company and they extend my credit after begging them and telling them a check’s in the mail. Hit Hardcore Hardware that night and purchase the following:

• Dickies coveralls (need to cover over the Dickies logo)
• Chainsaw (with silent starter option and two year warranty)
• No-slip gloves (couldn’t find my old soccer goalie ones)
• Rope (don’t really know why I bought this, it’s not even the hemp kind, just that slippery white stuff)
• Machete (I guess if the chainsaw doesn’t get them . . .)
• Pop Rocks (they still make these?)
• Big League Chew (haven’t had the grape kind since little league)

DAY 7 (6/12)
Meant to ask the day off from work. Have to make trip to Twin Pines this weekend.

DAY 8 (6/13)
Drive three hours to Two Pines Summer Camp after work. Get pulled over by State Trooper for swerving off the road. I’m really tired. Sweating like a madman when he comes to the window. Thought he was going to ask to look in the trunk. Lots of incriminating stuff back there, but I have the receipt from Hardcore Hardware to prove it’s mine. Can’t think of a reason to have a machete and a chainsaw quick enough by the time he comes to the window. Offer him some Pop Rocks. He thinks I’m an idiot, but not a killer.

Well, I’m neither. Yet.

DAY 9 (6/14)
Take a quick catnap in the car after the trooper drives off. Wake up at around 3 AM.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT! I realize that I forgot to buy a cool mask to cover my face! Meant to stop by Party Barn on the way up here. The one on 14. Too late to go back. I guess I could. No. NO!! It’s an hour behind me. Fuck it. Think about covering my face with mud. Martin Sheen looked pretty kickass with his hair slicked back and that camo on his face. Should try something like that.

Pull in to Twin Pines at about 3:30.

Find the activities cabin and look for masks or cool hats. All they have are sombreros. None of them fit me. Find some face paint and apply it. Stings very badly almost immediately. Look around for cold cream. Nothing. Eyes swell up and tear up like hell.

Get back to the car under cover of early morning darkness and try not to scream from all the pain I’m in. Grab chainsaw, put on coverall and gloves. Toss some Pop Rocks back and they get into my already-burning eyes. They actually pop when they enter my eyes.

Run down to the lake and jump in. Water makes it burn more.  Get back to my car and head for home with tears streaming down my face.

On the way out of camp, I see the "See Ya’ Next Year" sign.  Yeah. Next year.




-SLL