THE MONTROSE PICKLE COMPANY

     Marv Lindeman just got called back as the dancing pickle. This is the second callback and he’s scared as hell. He thought for sure that his nerves had gotten the best of him at the initial audition, but apparently there was something about his look or his bumbling that they liked. He thought the first callback was a mistake, possibly a mix-up with the headshots or something. Maybe they meant to callback Bill Pettibone, a guy who’s exactly Marv’s type, but who’s willing to be a bigger dumbass oaf in front of the camera. Even after the call Marv is sure that if it’s between him and Pettibone, Pettibone is getting it. After all, he’s pulled the carpet out from under Marv every time up until now. Why would this dancing pickle commercial be any different?

     And the Montrose Pickle Company has a lot riding on this campaign. Not only will the actor they choose for Monty the Dancing Pickle be guaranteed years of work down the road as their mascot, but he will be the face, the heart, the soul of Montrose. A well thought out, multi-million dollar ad push for the Monty character has been devised, where TV viewers will follow him though the highs and lows of his life as a pickle. Some of the highs? Marriage and kids. The lows? A lengthy divorce and homelessness.
    
     Marv knows he has the range for this. More range than the mugging Pettibone. Pettibone has always pratfallen his way into being every singing burrito and every sleepy, fat guy for Waterbed King. But Marv has always kept it real, even turning down commercials that made him look like an idiot. He is Monty, he thinks to himself. He lived this shit and he can make this character work.

     When Marv gets to the casting agent’s, he sees Pettibone sitting there. They don’t speak at first, each giving a quick head nod to each other. It looks as though it’s between the two of them. No one else shows. It’s make or break time.

     The door to the other room opens.

     "Bill?" a voice from inside asks.

     Pettibone gets up and gives a rye "Here goes nothin’" towards Marv’s general direction. Fucking fake, Marv thinks.

     The door closes behind Pettibone and Marv immediately hears the sounds of laughter from the room. Another trademark Pettibone pratfall to break the ice, no doubt. As the laughter dies down, then erupts again, Marv sits there stone-faced. The murmurings of the Monty monologue waft underneath the door. Marv mouths the words to it as Pettibone says it on the other side. Marv starts to sweat. With every laugh from the casting agent or the director or the Montrose rep, Marv’s heart skips a beat.

     He gets up. The only thought in his mind is to get out of there. But what if this is mine, he begins to think. What if Pettibone gets this gig by default? He could never forgive himself if that happened.

     Marv stands there for a long time before his name is called and Pettibone exits. A second "Marv" is heard and then a third. But Marv doesn’t hear these calls. His only thought is how he's never really been able to tell a joke and that the only thing people want in this world is to laugh.  He turns walks to the door and enters.

     Jesus, I would look gay in that pickle suit, he thinks.

-SLL