THE GLADIATRIX

There were two new duplexes that sprang up almost overnight on 14^th.  You know, where the Cushman plant used to be?  These duplexes looked too nice for that neighborhood if you ask me.  Guess that should’ve been a tip-off.  I guess they were going to use them as student housing or something.  Anyway, one night last week I get the call from the Committee.  Yeah, I know, I know, I always talk shit about those guys, but I don’t know.  They’re pretty cool, I guess.  I mean, I’m a reserve member, so even getting the call once every six months is something I think I should respond to, you know?  Getting in their good graces and shit.  So, I suit up and, side-note, I must’ve gained something like 20 pounds because I could barely get the tights on.  It’s like I’m retaining water and my ass is just booming out and, well, I just felt fat is all.  I turn the corner of 14^th, where the Committee told me to meet them and, I swear to Christ, the two duplexes are gone!  I mean, there were pipes jutting out of the ground and the foundation’s all torn up.  It was surreal.  Like both duplexes were ripped out from where they were built a week before by some giant.  Weird, right?  Well, I look down 14^th where it crosses Muth, I think.  Both of those duplexes have sprouted these massive, metal tentacles and legs and they’re just barreling up 14^th, tearing up shit left and right, Freedom Committee members trying to beat them into submission.  I mean, I stood there partly out of shock, partly out of fear.  I’m thinking, “Can I go into this whole-heartedly knowing I’ll come out alive?  Do I have what it takes to not make a complete ass out of myself in front of the Freedom Committee?  Am I ready, you know?  Will I let these guys down, heroes of mine?”  All this shit is going through my mind as I tear down 14^th with my shield and my sword in my hands.  A grown woman, mind you.  A grown woman in the middle of the night in full idiot-gear, fighting these walking houses.  I tell you, it was fucking great.  I alley-ooped Red Razor from my shield.  Kind of using it as a springboard?  It was artistry.  He took out two of the tentacles with his bare hands.  Strong, that guy.  I was able to power-up the sword and chop one of the duplex’s legs off.  Weird part?  I mean, apart from walking duplexes.  The thing screamed.  In fact, both houses begged us not to rip them apart.  Hardest part of the whole night.  But, we did it.  Went for drinks afterwards.  Trust me, everything you’ve heard about Silver Maiden is true.  Skank.  Don’t know what silver Rocket sees in her.  Oh, and I got Jetlag’s phone number.  Yeah, he’s cute, I guess, if you like buzzcuts.  This was, hands down, the most fun I’ve had since your bachelorette party.  I mean, sober.




-SLL