UNTRAINED

Apart from all the UPS procedures and everyday job reports you’ll need to keep track of, there’s a few more things you’ll need to know as part of your training.  Stuff I probably shouldn’t tell you, but stuff you should know just the same.  First off, the boss works in a sort of Bizarro-esque style.  Like the Superman villain.  Everything he tells you?  He means the opposite.  If he says, “Good-bye,” he means “Hello.”  If he asks you to drop off some mail at the end of the day, dump it in the trash.  And he likes to be addressed as “Your Pussy Majesty,” but he’s big on formality so make sure to call “Mister Your Pussy Majesty.”  Oh, and one of the women in the front office likes to be called “Sugartits.”  I’m not supposed to tell you which one.  You’ll have to find out by process of elimination like I did.  Otherwise, most of the women respond well to the expression, “Shake your dinners.”  It’s also advisable to bring a personal firearm to work.  The guy you’ll be working closely with is going to want to play rough at times. I’m not saying shoot the guy.  God, no.  Use the gun as a “power-positioning tool.”  A gun’s greatest power lies in it not being fired.  I think Sun Tzu said that.  Now, the boss’s wife is a pretty big flirt and by that I mean she’s an overweight whore.  Don’t let this stop you from sleeping with her, though.  Don’t think of it as sleeping your way up the corporate ladder.  More like her sleeping down the corporate ladder.  Again, if the boss finds out and comes close to beating the life out of you, consider it his way of giving you a raise.  And you’ve still got your “power-positioning tool” if all else fails.  If you’re feeling under the weather, the medicine cabinet is stocked full of pain relievers.  I’ve taken the liberty of replacing the ibuprofen with horse tranquilizers and, if by chance you cut yourself, the sterile gauze is actually sheer sheets of LSD.  There’s a great deal of foot porn that I’ve left on my computer for your perusal once I’m gone.  I’ll be thinking of you.  And if you’re not much of a drinker, now’s the time to start.  Now being nine a.m.





-SLL