THE LONG JOHN
We can’t condone those kinds of actions, sir.
What kind of actions?
You’re having relations with a pastry, my good man.
And?
It’s out in the open. This is a bake sale.
What better place?
A bake sale at a church.
I’m sorry. I’m horny and I’m neither religious nor picky.
And it’s the 17th century.
Oh. I see.
You’re going to have to come with the constable.
Wait! Where are you hanging me?
Well, from this tree. Do you prefer hemp rope?
What are my choices?
I’m not giving you a choice. I’m just asking if you prefer it.
In that case, hemp is fine.
You know, I’ve often wondered what kind of person could conceive of making love to a long John while at a church bake sale.
Well . . . ta-da!
Rope too tight?
No, no! It feels nice. Very soft surprisingly.
Yeah. My father’s a ropemaker. Made this particular one this morning.
Well, tell him he does very good work.
I will. I will. Um, I’m sorry. What’s your name?
Tarquin.
So, Tarquin, any last requests?
Well, I’d really . . Oh, no. Forget it. It’s a little . . .
No, go on!
No, no! It’s a little too much. I mean, it’s in keeping with my character and all, but no!
No, really! Tell me! I’ve heard a lot of last requests and, believe me, I’ve heard them all. Yours can’t be that bad.
Alright. Um, would you mind eating that long John?
You mean the one that you just had your willie in?
I know. Forget it! It’s too much. Just hang me already. I’m so embarrassed.
Oh, come on! What kind of society would we live in if we didn’t honor last requests?
I don’t know. Let’s just do this thing. God, I’m blushing.
It’d be chaos. Anarchy. Tell you what. You stay here and I’ll go get it.
I’m tied up. Where would I go?
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ahhhhh. That’s true. Be right back.
Boy, is he going to be surprised when he finds out that I have leprosy. And I passed a stone in that thing. Ah, life.
-SLL
posted by Fearthe-H at
1:19 PM
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