PRESIDENT TARKINGTON

                         The front-runner in the Iowa caucuses this year is a man who has no political background.  His name is Flame Tarkington, the oldest living porn star.

                His career started in the 40’s with a slew of beefcake pin-ups that circulated around the closeted gay communities.  His first official “smut” film, by definition, was shot on an 8mm film camera in his house in Long Beach with showed him having sex with his then-wife, stripper Candy O’Flare.  This was 1957, and it was quite possibly the world’s first circulated porn flick.  It was called “Woman on the Make” and it was shown alongside films of natural childbirth in art houses from New York to Saskatchewan.

                The 60’s saw his career flourish with title such as “Bathhouse Invader,” “The Incredible Mister G” and “The Opening.”  Well past his prime even then, the fact that he was an oddity made smut film aficionados want even more.

                The 70’s were a difficult time for Flame, but he persevered, competing with young bucks a full 30 years younger than him for the porn spotlight.

 

                Tarkington had retired by the 80’s and set his sites on a new trend in marketing:  self-help videos.  He made a mint with his late-night infomercials which promoted his brand of Pipeline tapes, offering advice with titles like “Bed Her NOW!” and “Clitoris: Fact or Fiction.”

 

                And recently, while more experienced candidates are slamming him with harsh criticisms about his lack of family values and inexperience in politics, America has come to embrace this mild-mannered oldster as the trusting granddad they want in the White House, regardless of the fact that he’s the only publicized 97 year old who claims to have the most sick, depraved sex life.




-SLL